Contrary to rumors, they did not fill in the pool because some kid drowned. Rather the subcontractor they had doing pool maintainence went out of business from wage theft, and the rental company that ran Meadowbrook Terrace, as well as other apartment complexes in the area, opted to not renew and fill in the pools for all of their complexes. This was suggested by one of the branch managers and touted as a huge cost cutting measure and landed them a modest bonus. But nevertheless, the rumors persisted. Sometimes at night it would feel a little haunted.
I was working at a call center, my job was “Account Retention” and what that meant was I get endless calls to cancel subscriptions callers had never signed up for. They were constantly angry. Due to a software workaround dreamed up by one of the IT guys, we were able to kick them out of the system for a few months, but they always called back.
Chad, our branch manager, had this obsession with a productivity podcast. He would drink several energy drinks a day, but seemed to do nothing in his office but sweat into his button up shirt.
This was the kind of office where everyone’s name was on a board, and the number of retained accounts for the month was put next to it, and every week they would shuffle them around as people cancelled or renewed accounts. It was relentlessly stressful. The call handling software monitored how much time we spent on calls, who did the most talking, and it would not let us disconnect calls. What we were doing felt illegal. And. I was waiting for it to fall apart, for it to surley disintegrate and explode like it felt like it should.
At night I was spending my time applying for jobs, all of them rejections of course.
I got this job through a referal from a classmate, and after school had wrapped up I was working and waiting for a real job to come around. I wasn’t sure if it ever would. 3 months turned into 6, and then a year.
Something I didn’t realize until much later was that Chad, our branch manager, was renting an apartment at the same complex as me. And so was one of the IT guys. I was too terrified of Chad to ask for a ride, and the IT guy never talked to the callcenter employees. I was without a car and was biking to work on a very not up to the task road bike. I really needed a car to get around, the streets and roads had no bike lanes, so I was left to biking on sidewalks – which were always empty anyway. Somehow I felt like I was getting around faster anyway.
One night I was taking the trash out, it was perhaps one in the morning and I was walking across the cracked tarmac to the dumpster nearby. I felt a presence, maybe a kid really did die in that pool, and the place was haunted. I turned around after tossing my bags in and was staring at a dishevled figure standing in the middle of the parking lot. They uttered “Do you want my car?”
“Excuse me” I asked, bewilered
They pointed to the white sedan, a sedan I nicknamed “the glacier” because in the 3 years I had lived here I never saw it move once.
“My car, I don’t want it anymore, they say I have to get rid of it or get it moving” He said
“So, get it moving? How hard can that be?” I asked
“I don’t want to” He said.
I wondered if it was some kind of setup or fraud. Before I could say anything else he handed me the keys.
“I need the title” I said
“Ok I’ll grab it” He said. He disappeared into his apartment. And a few moments later emerged again with the car’s title and a pen. He signed it over to me and listed the sale price as $1 on a napkin as a bill of sale.
“Why are you getting rid of the car?” I asked again
“The rental office says it’s been the subject of...complaints. They say I have to bring it up to working order or they’ll evict me” he said
“And you don’t want to because?” I said
“What does it matter!” the man shouted “All I wanted was to be left alone, over and over again about the car. My spot is in the lease, I told them there’s nothing in the lease agreement about how long a car can be in my assigned spot! Every month I have had to talk to someone at the rental office about it, it is driving me insane. It’s beyond my ability to deal with. I would rather lose it than have to move”
“How will you get around?” I asked
“I don’t go out, I won’t go out” He said “there’s nothing out there. I used to go out. I’d get food, I go get coffees. But eventually people would recognize you and want to say something, as if I have anything going on. It’s much better to stay inside. I can’t live in a cabin somewhere out in the middle of nowhere, and I can get anything delivered to my door, so I don’t go out!” he yelled, frustrated he had to continue explaining himself.
“The car must be moved in about 3 days” he said before turning around and going into his apartment.
And so I was left looking at The Glacier. It was 1am and I decided I was going to deal this in the morning.
“That was Lloyd” the rental office agent told me, sighing “He has been here since the apartment complex opened, he’s the longest tenant, legally we can’t intervene except with the car. He doesn’t leave his apartment and doesn’t talk to anyone. We would only see him once every 3 years for a lease renewal. He has very peculiar requests. Like the rental agent can’t bring up how long he’s rented at the apartment. We can’t have the same person do the lease renewal twice. He always takes a pen from the pen basket. Frankly, we keep thinking about not offering a lease renewal, but new leases have dried up so management wants us to retain as many as possible”
“How long have you known Lloyd?” I asked
“About 9 years” he said, sighing. “He doesn’t want company, doesn’t want to talk to anyone, just sits in his apartment all the time and orders food delivery”
“The car thing, actually no one has complained, we mainly did it to try and force Lloyd out a little, but I guess he’s found a way around it” the rental agent sighed.
“Well” I said “the tires are all flat, the battery is dead, and I don’t know what else is wrong with it until I can get it to turn over”
The rental agent produced a kind of combination air pump and battery jumper from the back, one of the kinds of things used to get stranded cars working again. I decided to air the tires up to see if they held any air, and spent about 20 minutes inflating all of them slowly. I popped the hood and connected the jumpstarter to the battery and turned it on. I turned the key over. The engine cranked for a few moments before coming to life, idling high before settling down to a normal. It ran like new. I put it into gear and parked in into my spot.
That was how The Glacier came to be in my posession. I started driving to work instead of biking, only to discover that driving was marginally faster. Navigating the suburbs meant that every 4 way intersection was a red light, so going anywhere became a tedious process of endless stop and go. On this particular day I hit every single red light on my way to work, and mentally made a note to try and time my departure such that I would get a series of green lights, but I don’t think such a thing is actually possible. I pulled into the sleepy and shabby corner of the business park our office was in. The building was an outdated thing built in the 80s or the 90s, with an exterior wood paneling that had been painted an especially ugly off white at some point. Plastic sheeting was hanging over some of the windows after a water leak from the roof had ruined some of the seals. I opened the glass doors, the lobby was more wood paneling and a stained carpet. The tiled ceiling had water stains and florecent lights that strained to keep going. The outdoor sign marking it as a company office had the original tenant’s logo covered up in a tarp with our company’s logo. As was the case in the lobby. They were too cheap to get proper signage.
I walked into the breakroom, itself a sad collection of half broken formica cabinets and counter tops, one circular table, and four uncomfortable plastic stacking chairs. Thankfully, someone this morning put on a pot of coffee. It was preground storebought stuff, the bottom of the barrel. I don’t know why I drunk it. The sales department had some left over catering and among the loot was a packet of creamer, which was the only thing that made the coffee bearable. Maybe today was going to be less terrible.
This was the first time Chad, the branch manager, noticed me. He cornered me in the breakroom.
“you have a car now” He said blankly
“Yeah” I replied, trying to break eye contact
“I need to do my rounds today of the ther offices, you’re driving me” Chad said
“Can’t you rent a car?” I thought. But it was too late. I was going to get paid to not be on the phones, so it was worth it to me to take Chad up on this terrible errand.
Chad always wore a suit and tie, but would shut himself in the office 4 days out of the week. Every morning he would do a big team meeting and humiliate the people at the bottom of the office account retention leaderboard, and give worthless prizes to the people at the top. Every month the top account retention specialist would get a $10 gift certificate to some steakhouse. “By the way, that’s an open invitation to the Sunday TekSolutions Luncheon at the steakhouse. Come by and maybe you’ll get to talk to The Boss” he would say.
“We gotta get the numbers back up, don’t let anyone cancel their subscription. We let a bunch of slip this last quarter, even with The Glitch. Our IT guy is working on a solution to that, but until then keep griding for numbers”
After he was done with the rest of the call center employees, he turns to me and goes “Come to my office, I need to do a few things before I leave.”
Chad’s office had a single window pointing to the floor of the call center, the walls were white with a single photocopied motivational poster taped to the far wall with a single piece of tape in the center, the sides of the poster had drooped with age, and the color of the once white printer paper had yellowed.
Once in the office I closed the door. I got to see Chad’s morning routine up close. He opened his cabinet and pulled out five energy shot drinks. They were a kind of mix of vitamins and supplements that was supposed to give you an energy boost through the day if you drank one. Chad opened all five of them up and poured them into a tattered gas station drink cup. Then he took out a warm redbull out of the same cabinet and poured that into the drink cup. Then he gave it a small stir, then poured the entire concoction into his thermos and began to take periodic swigs.
“One second, I need to make a call” he said. He dialed the phone and called Barry, the branch manager of Account Upgrades. Account upgrades was where we sent callers who somehow made it past The Glitch that prevented their account ticket from being escalated, they would then get a hard sell on upgrading their account instead of cancelling it. Transferring an account was tantamount to losing it, in the eyes of Chad.
“You need to get your numbers up Tad” Barry said in a stern tone “We’ve talked about this all last quarter. It’s the reason your branch isn’t a top three yet”
“You’re absolutley right about that, I’m doing rounds today so I wanted to get Action Items for the other branches” Chad replied
“You’re not listening to me Tad” Berry Interrupted. “Manks has been hammering on this nonstop and has been really up our asses about it, I’m just passing along the message”
“Understood” Chad said
“I don’t think you understand, the reason Mank runs the number one branch is because he actually can keep the numbers up. He puts the hours in and so do I. I have a bed at the office Tad, I’m always making calls to our overseas offices. If you want to be a top three you have to commit, that’s what I keep saying” Barry said
“Yeah Barry, thanks for calling me out like that, I really need to hear that so I can improve” Chad said
“What’s your top three strategy to get the numbers up?” Barry asked
“I’m working with IT to overhaul CallTek so we can double retention by next quarter” Chad said
“I know that, how long do you think this Glitch will work?” Barry asked, in an interrogating way “I called my IT guy and he said our software is way out of date and we need to update soon”
“Updating is going to require a whole hardware upgrade, that’s millions of dollars” Chad said
“You don’t think I fucking know that?” Barry said “Anyway, clock’s ticking.”
Barry disconnected the call. Chad took another swig of his energy drink and typed out a bunch of emails. After a few minutes he said “Ok, we need to roll. Now”
TekSolutions had 7 branches, all of them spread out in different office parks or spaces. Account Outreach was branch #1, this was the call center where people called random numbers and then if the person picked up the caller would try to convince them to sign up for a worthless monthly service. This was the central part of the business, and TekSolutions would get contracts by companies to obtain and retain monthly service contracts. In the old days they had multiple clients, but for the last 5 years the entire business hinged on one: AutoBank Extended Warrenty. Business had steadily dwindled due to smartphones having automatic call screening, but the FCC changing rules about automated calling had been our office’s saving grace.
Anyway, branch #2 was Account Upgrades, Barry’s branch. I barely knew these people
Branch #3 was Account Service. This was who a caller would get transferred to in order actually get service from AutoBank, and their success was measured in the amount of calls they’d reject. AutoBank had a single office with a single service agent, and thus they were always busy, so I don’t think it was possible to even get a warrenty reimbursment through AutoBank unless you were extremly lucky.
Branch #4 was, of course, Account Retention. The place you’d get transferred to when you wanted to cancel an account. At some point, someone at work had discovered The Glich, which was a bug in the call transfer software that prevented accounts from calling back to our office or being transferred out for a time period. We had used The Glitch for about 2 years, according to Chad, to slowly have Account Retention crawl from the #6 spot to the #4 spot, and Chad wanted to be in the #3 spot. That would get him the coveted seat at the table with the CEO during the Sunday Steak Luncheon.
Branch #5 was call receiving, all they did was take calls and transfer them to other departments. Their numbers depended on where those calls went, and therefore they were kind of the arbiter of the rest of the branches. Phillip, who ran the branch, was incredibly angry when Chad took the #4 spot, since he himself had been vying for the #3 spot. How do you improve numbers at a department which just transfers calls? Phil had tried to bounce calls around the company, like to account upselling, because he might get kickback numbers. But most people wanted to be sent to Account Retention,
Branch #6 was Account Managment. I never transferred to this branch in my entire time at the office, but this was apparently the office to work at, since they had maybe 1 or 2 calls a day, from people wanting to somehow change addresses or numbers. This office was two managers and a call center employee.
The last place branch was Account Upselling and this was where we would call the numbers of account holders and try to sell them on other stuff. Real Estate. Pill Supplements. Anything. Paul ran this office and was constantly trying to get deals to sell to customers, but in the past few months unbeknownst to anyone - another software glitch in the call software made it impossible to call people who had a hold on the account. When we used The Glitch from Account Retention on the account, it would prevent Account Upselling from being able to connect to the number. Account Upselling had gone from #3 to last place. And Paul was running himself into the ground trying to recover.
So our task that day was to drive to each and every one of these branches, plus HQ, so Chad could appear to be “doing the rounds”. We got into The Glacier and I started off to our first stop: Account Managment.
Account Managment was in a sleepy office building that also housed a dentist and some other kinds of boring buisnesses. I followed chad down a very narrow hallway past darkened and empty offices that had dust covering every surface. One was completley filled with loose papers and boxes up to waist height. But at the very end was Account Managment. Both managers here had their own enclosed offices, and there was a set of four cubicles, 3 were empty, and one was occupied with a single computer and the Account Managment employee.
Manager 1 was sitting at his computer, the office for Manager 2 was closed. Chad went over to talk to Manager 1 in an excited and motivating tone. I watched as Manager 1 ignored him while pretending to type. I wandered around the mostly empty office space and into the break room, where I discovered that everything in the fridge was expired and there was no coffee.
“Yeah there’s nothing here” said the employee. I turned around. They were dressed in jeans and a hoodie.
“I’m driving Chad around today, his car’s apparently in the shop?” I said
“Oh, Chad has really bad road rage” The employee said, explaining “He goes too fast and then drives off the road. It’s part of the Silverback Managment System he keeps trying to get Brian and Dan to buy into”
“Silverback Managment System?” I asked
“It’s a part of some Gorilla Mindset podcast he’s always listening to, says it’s how he was able to take Account Retention to #4, or something” he replied
“Gorilla Mindset?” I asked
“Oh ok, so this is the podcast you listen to if you’re a lonely guy and feel like the world is against you, real individualist kind of stuff. Hustle culture things” he replied “it’s all nonsense meant to sell like pill supplements and energy drinks, but the idea of being able to control your own destiny is really enticing to someone who’s life isn’t going anywhere”
“What about you?” I asked
“Me? This job is too easy. I get one to two calls a week max, the rest of the time I spend reading, writing my novel. I surf the web, watch movies, the works. When I get a call I’m quick about things. We’re the only branch that has a %100 satisfaction rating, which is how we’ve been able to kind of coast around forever. Brian and Dan have sort of realized there’s no way for the branch’s numbers to go up or down, I’m just waiting for them to realize we exist and then cut the branch” he said, nonchalontly
“I feel like it’d be cheaper to roll the whole company into one building” I said “you know, single leases and all that”
“That’s the thing” The employee said “TekSolutions is so cheap they looked for the cheapest available spaces and locked into long term leases. Headquarters, for example, is in it’s own building. But the entire first floor is empty, you’ll see it.” He said.
I was expecting a call to come in for the employee to take, but they went back to their cube and continued watching anime on their laptop. Settling into a long running routine.
I walked back to where Chad was talking to one of the managers, either Brian or Dan.
“I’m just saying” Chad said “Commandmant five of the Silverback System: always be looking for gains, it’s how I got to be #4”
“Chad” Brian or Dan said “You’re here every week with this nonsense, it’s clear you don’t have enough to do at your office. You’re trying to get a seat at the table with the other branches and you come around pretending like you know something. Just give it a rest for a fucking second. When was the last time you took vacation?”
“Commandment seven of the Silverback System” Chad piped in exerberantly “Never stop the grind”
We left to go to branch #5 – account reciving. Here Chad tried to exol the virtues of the Silverback Grindset or whatever to Philip. It was in a multi story office building with a glass encased foyer, and the office was tucked in the back of the building. Rows of callers milled in their cubicles, everyone in identical collard shirts and ties with slacks – Philip’s idea to enforce order. The walls were lined with motivational posters, much like the photocopied one haning in Chad’s office, but they were framed and mounted, leering over everyone. The receptionist desk had been long empty, with Philip having lost budget for one after getting knocked back to #5. Philip noticed Chad and I walk in. He looked instantly insenced and angrily strutted over to Chad
“Don’t you have anything better to do?” Philip hissed
“This is what I do” Chad said plainly “I have a meeting with HQ later today and they’re going to want to have a sit rep”
“Nothing fucking changes around here Chad” Philip hissed again, brow furrowed. “I was at #4 for three years Chad, and you just fucking waltz in and take the spot without even trying. Meanwhile I am AB testing intake scripts, I am talking to the other branches every day on where we can funnel calls. Everybody wants to cancel their account” Philip said, frustration turning to dispair
“Have you been listening to the Silverback Managment podcast I told you about?” Chad asked
“I’m not listening to that shit” Philip shot back “You think you’ve found an edge and that makes everything you touch gold, well I don’t think it’ll last, I think one day you’re going to go back to #5 or hell even #7. Tell Paul I said hi”
Philip turned around and angrily strutted back into his office and slammed the door. The call center employees never halting during the exchange or the loud noises. A faint yelling and slamming sound could be heard behind the office door as Philip threw his chair into the wall, a regular occurance.
The visit to the #3 branch was different. At Account Service, which held the #3 spot Chad was trying to take over, the manager spent most of the time hearing Chad’s weekly speil about the Silverback Managment System and nodding, not saying a single thing.
“I just think you have the capability of being in the #2 spot, is all, if you just listen to the podcast” Chad said
“Ok” the manager said, before turning around “see you next week Chad”
#2 was an incredibly stressful encounter. We rolled up in the afternoon to a low slung single story office building. Account Upgrades took up the entire building. There were rows of cubicles like the others. Like our Account Retention building there was a drop ceiling with stained tiles and burnt out florcecent lights. The afternoon sun filtered through the blinds and left long shadows on the floor. Like our office, Barry had implemented an employee ranking system, but because Barry was in the top three branches he had access to the employment contracting firm we got new hires from, and could therefore afford to churn through people, which he did. At the end of each quarter the bottom 3 employees would not get their contracts renewed.
As we rolled into the office the employees were in the middle of their afternoon chant, which Barry led.
“Give me a U”
“U!!” chanted everyone, making a U shape with their arms
“Give me a P”
“P!!” chanted everyone, trying to make P shape with their arms.
They continued to spell “Upgrade” before chanting “Upgrade! Upgrade! Upgrade!”.
“Devin!” Barry yelled after everyone was done “You’re slipping this week, you’re going to end up in the bottom three spots if you keep this pace” he said pointing at a random employee
“Barbra!” Barry yelled again “Your numbers are up, but they reset every week, so don’t get complacent”
At the end of all this Barry noticed Chad and pointed
“Chad! Come here to see how a real branch is run?” Barry said as the other call center employees returned to their desks.
“I do every week” Chad said, extending his hand for a handshake. Barry returned the handshake. They seemed to try to break each other’s hands in a very polite way, but neither quite having the strength
“When are you going to take the number 3 spot and join the big boy’s table?” Barry asked
“next quarter, when we get account retention up” Chad said confidently
“Are you even listening to the Silverback Managment podcasts?” Barry asked
“Every day” Chad said “I’ve been pushing them on the other branches”
“You’re wasting your time, they don’t have what it takes” Barry said
“Paul in Account Upselling does” Chad interrupted “he listens to them all the time, he’s saving up to go to the seminar next quarter in Dallas”
“I’ve been to the seminar” Barry said scoffing “The real meat of Silverback Managment is at the San Francisco conference every year. That’s where you get the level five lectures. These chants we do? Cutting the 3 least productive employees? All stuff I got from the level five lectures. You’re not even at level four”
“I got my level three at the seminar, I did 5 of them just like you told me to. Level four will be this year” Chad replied
“You’re so far behind Tad” Barry said
“I was thinking we could exchange notes” Chad replied
“Commandment 2 of Gorrila Mindset: never give away your advantage” Barry interrupted “You gotta learn this yourself if you want to survive, sink or swim”
Our penultimate visit was to Paul’s beleaugred Account Upselling branch. Over the months call center employee contracts expired and Upselling was a skeleton crew. The office was in a minimall, sandwiched next to a nail salon and alongside a legal office. The glare of the afternoon sun blazed in through the front windows. A wilting plant was near the entrance. The floor had numerous buckets on the floor to catch leaks in the ceiling, with the celing tiles in a much more advanced state of decay. There were just 4 other employees aside from Paul, all of them frantically pressing buttons on their computer to refresh the call queue feed on the call forwarding software, hoping for a fresh number to call. Paul was in the very back, his desk covered in piles of papers and forms for different pill supplement companies. He was sweating profusley as he was trying to gain an account.
“We have incredible account retention, most accounts stay in our system for at least 3 months and we can get you so much engagement, we have excellent numbers in all your demographics” Paul said in a hurry
“This is the fifth time this week you’ve called us, we blocked your number twice, I have a private investigator that’s going to trace the call if you contact us again” the voice on the other side said
“I asked around” The voice on the other line said “I know about TekSolutions, my cousin worked for them on contract, all you do is spam calls and you have one client, some fucking auto loan place”
“We have many international clients, some of which prefer to be anonymous” Paul said “But we’ve been in business for over 20 years”
“20 years of what? Bullshit that’s what” the voice on the other line said “How old are you?”
“What?” Paul said, taken by surprise
“I asked how old are you?” the voice said
Paul paused and then said “Fourty seven”
“Ah so like ass deep in the old midlife crisis, how long do you want to be doing this?” the voice asked
“I’ve been here ten years, I don’t know what to do” paul said, collapsing
“I’ll tell you what to do, since I really don’t want you to call back again, I want you to quit your job tomorrow, or today. I want you to cancel your apartment lease. I want you to throw out like 90% of your personal posessions. I want you to point your car in a random direction, any direction at all, and to keep driving. That’s it. I’m not expecting you to do anything or for anything to happen, but by sheer happenstance something will happen that will be infinitly more interesting than whatever has happened in the last 10 years. Now, I’m going to hang up, and if I find out where this is coming from”
Paul hung up the phone dejectedly and looked up “Chad, Hello”
“Commandment nine of the Gorilla Mindset: don’t take no for an answer” Chad said “this is why you’re at the bottom”
“I don’t get any fucking leads Chad” Paul said
“and who’s fault is that?” Chad asked
“CallTek is supposed to provide leads, that’s a feature of the software, none of the other branches will provide numbers, this was a major revenue source for TekSolutions and it’s dying and nobody cares” Paul said
“Sounds like an attitude problem” Chad replied smugly “Remember the first commandment of Gorilla Mindest: always a positive attitude”
Paul sighed.
“I can’t make the alimony payments anymore Chad” Paul said “I can’t afford the seminar in Dallas. Darlene took the house and the kids” he said sadly
“Meadowbrook Terrace has open leases” Chad said “I can get you a discount on the first three months if I refer you, and then you’ll save enough to make the Dallas Seminar”
“but that’s an hour long commute each way Chad” paul said
“so? I do the rounds each week, I don’t complain, sounds like something a level one would say” Chad replied.
As we were driving away from Account Upselling Chad turned to me and said “I don’t think Paul will be around for long, when I make my report to HQ today I’m going to recommend we replace Paul, he’s not TekSolutions material.”
“Listen” Chad said “This Gorilla Mindest stuff, this Silverback Managment System, it’s so simple but makes so much sense. It’s like magic. I want you to go home today and listen to the introduction podcast, it’s 3 hours long but totally worth it. It’s all the brianchild of this one guy, Samuel Philips, he’s a genious, he’s got 3 PHDs, he’s a self made millionaire. If you’re read we can start building you up to be a level one, then go to a few more steps to a seminar. There isn’t just the one in Dallas, but also one in Cleavland and Florida. Once you do those you can get to level four, and those take place at the seminars. After that is Level Five in San Francisco.”
He was selling me on this idea while en route to TekSolution’s headquarters, our last stop.
I weaved the car in between parking lots and side streets to get to an isolated 2 story building, the concrete parking lot was empty for several rows with a small amount of cars parked near the very front, perhaps a dozen for a parking lot that would hold hundreds of cars. It had the TekSolutions logo on the side of the building, an actual sign and not printed and draped over another sign.
The first floor was completley empty and dark, except for the cafeteria and three vending machines. We climed the stairs to a much more active 2nd floor. There was a receptionist looking at their phone and a small sitting area.
“Hi Barb” Chad said “back from doing the rounds”
“I’ll get Manks” she said before going back to doing nothing. I sat in the small sitting area and leafed over a magazine, which I discovered was 4 years old. I took stock of the surrounding offices. Most of the floor was taken up by empty cubicles. Individual offices lined the floorplan, but most had open doors with empty and darkened rooms. We waited.
At last Manks showed up, emerging from one of the closed office doors to wander over to the sitting area.
“Chad” Manks said
“Manks, are you ready for the weekly report?”
“Why aren’t you at Account Retention? We’ve been over this – these reports aren’t doing anything”
“Right but Upselling, I think we have a solution to turn things around” Chad said and looked at me
“Sorry, Who are you?” Manks asked me
I introuced myself and shook Manks hand apprehensivly.
“I want to make this guy the head of Upselling, he’s a real go-getter” Chad said confidently. “Once they’re a level 3 I think we can start the leadership transition”
“First” Manks said interrupting “no, second – upselling has been doing badly for a totally different reason”
“What?” Chad said
“IT insisted we do a systems audit, when calls go to retention for some reason the account gets flagged in the system and it doesn’t clear for like, months. It’s why Upselling hasn’t been able to connect to any numbers we get in the system, like the account is locked out for some reason. Autobank has been getting complaints from people that they can’t cancel their accounts and are threatening to tell the fucking FTC. People are doing chargebacks on their credit cards.” Manks said, as if he’d made the same speil multiple times that week.
“So” Manks said “We’re looking at an upgrade, but we don’t have the budget to do so, since Calltek are charging out the ass for the latest version. Ours is entering end of life and they’re only going to support it for so long. Autobank is so frustrated they’re thinking of not renewing the contract” Manks said
“Oh” Chad said
“IT also noticed that calls going through Retention seem to always get the weird flag on the account, so I think we’ll have my guy talk to your guy sometime tomorrow to sort it out” Manks said
“Oh” Chad said again, hollowly, in response.
Chad sat down in one of the office chairs and sort of slumped over. Manks got a text on his phone and looked at it.
“We gotta go pick up Stevenson” Manks said “Mine’s still in the shop”
“Don’t you have a rental?” Chad asked
“It’s a Hyundai, I can’t pick up stevenson in a fucking Hyundai” Manks spit back “Where the fuck is your car?”
“He drove me” Chad said pointing to me. Manks looked at me and looked back at Chad, his disgust for Chad growing more and more.
“You got one of your call center employees to chauferr you around on your nonsense bullshit rounds? Did you try selling them on the fucking Silverback Managment System too?” Manks asked.
“Whatever” Manks said “We’re picking up Stevenson”
Thankfully The Glacier was not the most modest white sedan, itself a bit more prestegious than a rental Hyundai. I had washed it the previous week and so it stopped standing out as a dust and dirt covered monstrosity. All of us piled into it and I was instructed to drive to pick up Stevenson, the CEO of TekSystems.
Stevenson, it was explained to me, did not like to drive, and had his employees shuffle him around. He also hated the sound of phones and phone conversations, and that was why the HQ did not house any call center employees. Manks was explaining all this to me without prompting while Chad sat in the back saying nothing.
Our destination was a country club. Upon turning into the guilded and manicured grounds I felt immediately out of place and underdressed. Every other car was a lot shinier and newer and much more expensive than mine, which made it stand out much more.
“Pull up here and wait, don’t get out” Manks said “I’ll tell him we’re here”
I waited 15 minutes in the car, with Manks and Chad, in total silence. A small elderly man in an ill fitting suit eventually materialized out of the doors of the country club entrance. Manks got out and greeted them with a firm handshake. They approached and Manks opened the rear door of my car, mimicking the ritual of picking up a VIP, except Chad was in the seat and had to awkwardly shuffle over to let Stevenson in. Stevenson did not look anywhere except the back of the seat and down at his feet. Manks got back into the passenger seat next to mine and told me to drive back to HQ.
“What the fuck is this?” Stevenson wheezed in a strained old man voice
“My car’s in the shop, rental place got me a fucking Hyundai” Manks said “Chad’s car is also in the shop, so he got one of his call center employees to drive him around”
“What the fuck” Stevenson said putting his hands into his face in some kind of anguish “are you two even doing? The guys at the country club fucking saw you all pull up. They would not stop giving me shit about it, it’s embarressing. They already know that the company is in the fucking tank and I’ve been going to them to find new leads, how am I supposed to show my face there if I’m getting picked up in a fucking Nissan” He said, straining for words but finding them out of the frustration.
Stevenson sighed and gave a light cough, the rest of the car was quiet.
“I might have a solution for Account Upselling” Chad said quietly to break the awkward silence
“Upselling?” Stevenson said, finding a new dimention of disappointment and frustration.
“I don’t think you understand, Autobank wants to drop us, if we lose them we have nothing.” Stevenson said, face in hands
“30 years of my life, down the fucking drain” Stevenson groaned. The rest of the car sat in silence as I drove the four of us to TekSystems HQ
When I got home the notice to renew my lease was in my mail, with a pre appointment at the main office of Meadowbrook Terace
That night I messaged an old friend of mine from the internet.
“Hi random question, but can I couch surf for like 3 months?”
I waited
“3 months? What for?” They asked
“I need a change” I said
“Ok” They said “I have a guest bedroom, that’ll probably be more comfortable”
I got rid of my furniture, and to my surprise with the seats folded down everything fit in the back of The Glacier. One last time through the lumpy parking lot. One last pass of the unused vollyball court. At some point the tattered net had been taken down, and all that remained were the two poles sticking out of the sand mournfully. One last time over the terrible speed bumps. One last excruciating wait for traffic to clear so I could take a left hand turn. Then it was quiet and the car pushed it’s way out into the street and Meadowbrook Terrace disappeared from view. And every single stoplight was green, all the way out of town,